Yes, you read the title correctly. It's 3 a.m. On a Saturday. And I'm awake writing this blog post.
Trust me, this isn't what I had in mind when I fell asleep around 10 p.m. last night after a long day out on the boat with my family and friend, but here I am.
My furbaby meowing outside my door at 2:30 a.m. is probably to blame... Ok, not probably—most definitely.
It's not out of the ordinary for my mind to race at this time of "night" when I'm awoken abruptly, so I'd like to share my current thoughts in hopes that I can not just inspire my future self, but to inspire you as well.
***
I would like to officially put it out that there I promise to stop making myself available, both emotionally and physically, to the average douchebag. This feeling of empty hope and unfulfilled longing just isn't doing it for me anymore.
Time and time again I have loved ones express to me that what I'm doing is wrong. That having feelings for someone who isn't reciprocating those feelings will only leave me hurt in the end. To my pathetic heart's dismay, I am a hopeless romantic who believes that if I truly like a guy, he will change his ways and like me back (because one word: cupid).
I'm the perfect example of that girl.
The girl who everyone tells she deserves a great guy, but she just has to stop looking for him.
The girl who's heart is so big that she is bursting with all the love to give to the man that she can't wait to call her husband one day.
The girl who carefully chooses her love interests by weeding out the guys who are mature, kind and actually give a shit about her, and instead focuses all of her energy into the guys who are man children, egotistical and give her false hope about caring for her by playing mind games, resulting in tiny heartbreaks along the way.
***
Truthfully, I've only had two serious boyfriends in my (almost) 26 years of life, and I'm proud of it.
I chose to be with these two guys because they treated me like every deserving girl should be treated by her significant other.
Unfortunately, I've only been in love once.
It was a harsh realization at first, but over time it made more sense to me that it was more of a blessing than anything.
I mean I'm (almost) 26 and I've only felt a deep love for one man.
But, do you know what's even more scary than that?
Having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will never be in love again.
I'm not trying to sound whiney, or to vy for your pity—I'm serious here.
I've been a single lady (shout out to Yonce!) for almost a year now and still, nothing. When you first get out of a relationship, so many people are continuously telling you how great it is to be single. So many of those people are also in relationships. So, shut up, you hypocrites.
Sorry, but not really.
Being single is not for me. Although I'm not entirely freaked out that my whole life's plan that I made in middle school isn't panning out how I expected—get married at 23, have first child at 25, have second child at 27—I still have some worry within me that haunts me everyday.
***
I've decided to STOP.
Stop reaching out to guys that I know are poison for me.
Stop responding to guys that I know are poison for me.
Stop noticing the mere existence of these said poisonous guys.
And above all...
Stop telling myself that I'm too old for a happily ever after.
If I was someone on the outside looking in on my situation, I would've slapped myself back to reality months ago. Better late than never, right?
- LJ
