Cheers to ONE YEAR

So, I'm a day late on two things:

HAPPY JULY 4th!!

And...

Happy one year to me of being single!

WOW.

It's so hard for me to even begin to think of how much my life has changed in a year's time.

What's crazy is that I was at the same exact place July 4, 2015 as I was July 4, 2014: Crab Island.

But, this time there was no boy yelling at me as I sat in my parents' boat, crying and listening to him make false accusations after he'd snuck into my phone and read texts between my best (girl) friend and me. I have no reason to defend myself here because I did nothing wrong and I'll leave it at that.

This year's Crab Island July 4th adventure was much more fun and enjoyable for me. The weather turned out to be beautiful after morning showers cause slight worry for our boating plans. The water was clear. And I was in great company of family, friends and acquaintances. It seriously could not have been a better one-year anniversary of being single.

So, can I get a big CHEERS!?

With a year of being single and having 365 days to focus on just me, comes wisdom. I'm not even joking. I have learned so much about being comfortable with being alone. With discovering what makes me happy. With being selfish. With not giving AF what anyone else thinks about me. I've really adopted the last point and it's a trait that is so unlike me, but I'd say I'm owning it pretty damn well.

Here are some major lessons I've learned and grown from since July 4, 2014. (Who doesn't love lists, right?)

1) I learned to be OK with someone who once loved me, hating me and wanting nothing to do with me.

2) I learned to meet guys online, at bars, at Crab Island, and where ever else.

3) I'm learning* to accept compliments from men more openly.

4) I learned what I do and don't want in a guy.

5) I learned that I don't have a type.

6) I learned that even if a guy treats me like I walk on water, if the physical attraction isn't there for me, then I clocked out the second we met and it just took a few days for me to realize.

7) I learned how to turn a guy down. (But, always feel awful when it's the nice ones that I'm giving the bad news.)

8) I learned to embrace change, both good and bad, small and big.

9) I learned to embrace the corny-ass term YOLO.

10) I learned that I feel best about myself when I'm exercising and eating whatever I want. (DIEts, for real.)

11) I learned to establish new goals. Scary goals. Goals that no one ever saw coming. We are talking Jordan taking on a whole new life.

12) I learned that just because you fail at achieving one goal doesn't mean you should get discouraged or set smaller future goals. Raise that bar!

13) I learned that I have the four most amazing, best friends that any girl could ever dream of calling her own. My girls are my rocks. Without them, I probably would've ran away to Europe to backpack or teach abroad or live off the land or something absolutely insane.

14) I learned that less really IS more. The less you have in your life, the more thankful you are. Think about it.

15) I learned that comparing myself to others is ridiculous unless it makes me feel superior. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The truest words.

16) I learned that living on my own right now isn't something I'm financially able to do successfully.

17) And I learned to be ok with it. (My parents rock and took me back in after I lived on my own for six glorious, yet bank-account-draining months.)

18) I figured out how to ensure that I can move out of my parents' house one last time and make it on my own before I'm 30 and no longer young enough to find someone to marry me. Haha I'm only kidding about the last part. Or am I?...

19) I realized that I have written all of a handful of pages in my novel in the last year. And I am PISSED about it. 

20) Which made me realize that when I wrote the first 65 pages of my book while living with my ex, to me, translates to the fact that I write best when I'm stressed and ultimately depressed.

21) I'm learning how to break that twisted sense of motivation. 

22) I'm currently (in this very moment) making it my goal to have that damn book finished by the end of the year next year. I will not let 75-plus pages of some of my best writing and definitely my most favorite story line go to waste.

23) I learned that I spend way to much damn time on my phone. I really do need to "unplug".

24) I learned what wanderlust is and have diagnosed myself with it. I will be filling my prescription for the cure sometime in mid-August. Stay tuned.

25) I learned that my health has never been in more jeopardy than it has in the last year. I've had a handful of infections, a CT scan of my brain, two MRIs of my brain, two ultrasounds of my gall bladder and many blood tests run. Turns out I have seasonal allergies, I'm anemic, I have a cyst on my brain and I have gallbladder stones. Sounds awesome, right? Trust me, I've cried a lot over the past year, worrying about my health. But, doesn't worrying just make it worse?

26) I learned that I need to take better care of myself. Eating mostly healthy and exercising daily doesn't trump being stressed to the max all the time and not doing anything to appease it.

27) I learned that my little bro is one of my best friends.

28) I learned that rib tattoos hurt and people who have them and say otherwise are liars. Don't believe them. Just don't.

29) I learned to be spontaneous.

And above ALL

30) I learned to love myself for all of my flaws, my fears, my desires, my insecurities—everything.

Once you love yourself, and I mean TRULY love yourself, it makes you much more selective in finding a significant other. It's actually quite fun and much more laid back.

So, by July 4, 2016, I will expect nothing less out of myself than to have set bigger goals, to have achieved the ones I have now, and to continue to live my life in the moment and for nobody but myself.


"You haven't seen the best of me, I'm still working on my masterpiece."


-LJ

3 a.m. Thoughts

Yes, you read the title correctly. It's 3 a.m. On a Saturday. And I'm awake writing this blog post.

Trust me, this isn't what I had in mind when I fell asleep around 10 p.m. last night after a long day out on the boat with my family and friend, but here I am.

My furbaby meowing outside my door at 2:30 a.m. is probably to blame... Ok, not probably—most definitely.

It's not out of the ordinary for my mind to race at this time of "night" when I'm awoken abruptly, so I'd like to share my current thoughts in hopes that I can not just inspire my future self, but to inspire you as well.

***

I would like to officially put it out that there I promise to stop making myself available, both emotionally and physically, to the average douchebag. This feeling of empty hope and unfulfilled longing just isn't doing it for me anymore.

Time and time again I have loved ones express to me that what I'm doing is wrong. That having feelings for someone who isn't reciprocating those feelings will only leave me hurt in the end. To my pathetic heart's dismay, I am a hopeless romantic who believes that if I truly like a guy, he will change his ways and like me back (because one word: cupid).

I'm the perfect example of that girl.

The girl who everyone tells she deserves a great guy, but she just has to stop looking for him.

The girl who's heart is so big that she is bursting with all the love to give to the man that she can't wait to call her husband one day.

The girl who carefully chooses her love interests by weeding out the guys who are mature, kind and actually give a shit about her, and instead focuses all of her energy into the guys who are man children, egotistical and give her false hope about caring for her by playing mind games, resulting in tiny heartbreaks along the way.

***

Truthfully, I've only had two serious boyfriends in my (almost) 26 years of life, and I'm proud of it.

I chose to be with these two guys because they treated me like every deserving girl should be treated by her significant other.

Unfortunately, I've only been in love once.

It was a harsh realization at first, but over time it made more sense to me that it was more of a blessing than anything.

I mean I'm (almost) 26 and I've only felt a deep love for one man.

But, do you know what's even more scary than that?

Having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will never be in love again.

I'm not trying to sound whiney, or to vy for your pity—I'm serious here.

I've been a single lady (shout out to Yonce!) for almost a year now and still, nothing. When you first get out of a relationship, so many people are continuously telling you how great it is to be single. So many of those people are also in relationships. So, shut up, you hypocrites.

Sorry, but not really.

Being single is not for me. Although I'm not entirely freaked out that my whole life's plan that I made in middle school isn't panning out how I expected—get married at 23, have first child at 25, have second child at 27—I still have some worry within me that haunts me everyday.

***

I've decided to STOP.

Stop reaching out to guys that I know are poison for me.

Stop responding to guys that I know are poison for me.

Stop noticing the mere existence of these said poisonous guys.

And above all...

Stop telling myself that I'm too old for a happily ever after.

If I was someone on the outside looking in on my situation, I would've slapped myself back to reality months ago. Better late than never, right?



- LJ

No More Games

Over the past few days I've been hit pretty hard with a reality check.

Not a reality check on life or my career or anything "serious". A reality check on romance.

I'm not ashamed to admit that back in late December I created a Tinder profile. Yes, the dating app, Tinder. I met a couple of nice (non-stalker-killer-or-so-I-think) guys in person. However, they were no Mr. Perfect. I also "matched" with a few others whom I keep in touch with that actually seem pretty awesome.

But, that's not my point.

My point is that I have lost touch with my own, personal reality. With what being a 25-year-old successful woman is all about.

I work full time. I live on my own. I pay my own bills. I keep my fur child alive and kickin'. I do laundry at 11 p.m. on a hump day. And still, I am not completely content with my situation.

I have more thoughts rushing through my mind right now that any sane person could comprehend. Again, I am in no position to discuss what is to come in the near future, but as soon as I can, I will surely tell the world.

In the mean time, I've been planning/readying myself with all of the necessary steps for my new, future path that I have chosen. It's so stressful and absolutely thrilling and the same time. My family and friends fully support me and that makes me feel beyond loved. The planning process is ongoing and has been quite a pain, but I'm slowly accomplishing the necessary tasks one by one. I cannot wait to just fully begin what I have planned. And I definitely cannot wait to share the great news with everyone!

Instead of being proud of myself in readying for a new future, I've got plenty of other thoughts on my mind.

Men.

Boys.

Losers, basically.

Just when I thought dating couldn't get any more depressing, careless, useless, redundant, pathetic—I could go on until I'm too old to reproduce—I've reached the point of giving up... for a second time.

No details here, as I am sick and tired of boy bullshit. So very sick and tired of it all. It's not that much to ask for a decent gentleMAN to sweep me off my feet while I am tiptoeing into my 30s.

Being let down by yet another one brings me to all sorts of questions: Why me? Why are so many other people my age married? How did they all find their significant others before me? What is wrong with me? Will I die alone? Is this a sign that I should drop everything and become a nun? What is the number for the nun hotline? I do know how to rock that black and white...

All jokes aside, this is no laughing matter when you are turning 26 in four months and all four of your best friends are A) married and pregnant B) engaged C) with boyfriend of 3-plus years and have a baby together or D) in a serious relationship. Hi, I'm the loner, single friend of the group and not by choice. Well, maybe by choice because I'm a picky mofo, but not entirely.

Tonight, after a nice, long, much-needed heart-to-heart convo with my besty, Michelle, she effortlessly convinced me to delete my Tinder profile.

Woah, right?

I thought about it for a total of about 7 seconds and then proceeded to get on my phone, click on the app and press the three consecutive options resulting in a successfully deleted profile.

It was liberating, to say the least.

No more checking to see if the military guy, originally from NC matched with me overnight. Just say no to military guys.

No more checking my messages to see that yet another guy had started up a conversation with "Hey gorgeous. How are you?" I'm good and I don't know you so don't call me gorgeous, you horny creep.

No more getting on to see that my number of matches had decreased and wonder what I did wrong to the guy that "unmatched" me.

No more figuring out how to tell a guy "hell no" when he asked to hang out because I didn't know how to tell him that I was more than likely intoxicated when I swiped right on his profile in the first place.

No more unnecessary worry or drama in my life.

Deep breath.

Even though my Tinder account is nonexistent, there are still unavoidable hurdles in my sad love life that I have to overcome. I' always been mentally strong and have no doubt that I will do so valiantly. In time. 

I've already informed my parents that they will not receive any grandchildren from me and I told Michelle that I will be doing lots of solo traveling next year, so there will be no time for me to even think about anyone but myself. Selfish Jordan, here I come.

I am totally and completely fine with watching the children of my best friends grow up and giving them as much "Aunt Jordan" advice as they are willing to put up with. I am totally fine with being a bridesmaid and never a bride. With never having in-laws. With never having to relocate for love. With never having to lie about liking the food that a man spent hours preparing for our anniversary.

I'm preparing myself for living the rest of my life for me and only me. I've never been a girl to need a boy for anything. My dad brought me up right. He brought me up independent. If that independence comes off as harsh, then the person that thinks that can grow a pair.

Goodbye, dating profiles,

Goodbye, temporary matches.

Goodbye, sad and lonely men.

Goodbye, to the me that didn't believe in herself enough to realize that I could be 100% happy on my own.

Hello, beautiful future.

"No one deserves your tears, and the one who deserves them won't make you cry." 
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez


- LJ

In With the New

As I sit on my parents' backyard patio furniture, sipping my cinnamon dolce frappuccino and watching my dad rake the  dead leaves on the ground, I think of the significance of this moment.

The cold weather has been absent for weeks now, having been replaced by the warm, sunny stuff. The  fall leaves have detached themselves from trees, allowing fresh, green ones to sprout in their place. Yesterday, I made the official decision to move back to my parents' house this summer, altering my future plans yet again. Yesterday, was also the first day of spring. Change (the good kind) is in the air.

I cannot wait for summer weekends spent boating and having a blast at Crab Island. I cannot wait to spend more time with my family, especially since not only will I be moving back home, so will my brother (my poor parents!). I cannot wait to explore new hobbies and experience new places and things this summer.

I'm all about out with the old and in with the new!

- LJ

This Time Last Year…

While getting ready for work this morning, I had one of those deep, inner thoughts where I suddenly started comparing where I am today to where I was exactly one year ago from today. It wasn’t pretty.

Don’t get me wrong (I’ll discuss this in further detail later) my friends, loved ones and even myself to some degree have had some pretty amazing moments in the last year, but when I realized where I was exactly in my life a year ago, I had to fight back the unsettling emotions.

This time last year I was living with my boyfriend at the time. Not just any boyfriend—a boyfriend of almost two years, whom I had lived with for a few months by that time. A boyfriend who I was sure I was going to marry. So much so that we had our wedding guest list decided and were discussing wedding details galore, despite the fact that my left ring finger was still bare. We had also decided that we’d be relocating to my favorite city in the country in fall 2015. We still had our fur baby that he had gotten for me that past Christmas, even though Avery would always be our main fur baby. We enjoyed doing all kinds of activities together and traveled often, being mistaken for a couple on their honeymoon on more than one occasion. In fact, this time last year we had just returned from a cruise in which we traveled to the Bahamas for the first time. We weren’t planning on children any time soon, but if it were to happen, we would’ve accepted the challenge with open arms. We had plans for building a deck in our backyard. We were starting to befriend our neighbors as the new couple on the street. We had plans for repainting the walls of our home. Yes, it was a home. It’s difficult to reminisce on what my life was like in March 2014, but I did it this morning, and I couldn’t seem to put a stop to the flooding of memories and emotions, so here’s a little insight into how it made me feel.

This is the second time in my life that I’d thought I’d found “the one.” I was, of course, wrong. It took me two years to figure that out. Two years. Over 700 days of my life. Those days were in no way wasted. I cringe when I hear someone say they “wasted” an amount of time on a past significant other. You did not waste a thing. You chose to be with them and although it didn’t work out, they were a special and important part of your life at one time and now that they’re not, they can be downgraded to a part of your past. No matter how awful the breakup was, they’ll always be a part of you. Of who you were. Of who you are. Of who you will become.

Fast forward to present day. It’s been over eight months since our split. Immediately following the breakup, I was in search of another relationship. This girl loves to be loved and loves to love. That’s all there is to it. However, this girl is one of the pickiest when it comes to finding a significant other. I won’t go into detail, but I’m not afraid to admit that I can be low when it comes to the standards I have for guys. At the same time, I am comforted by this trait of mine because it means that when I am interested in a guy, then he must really be something to have passed my ridiculous “checklist.”

Sure, I’ve gone on dates with and met guys, both of decent and douchelord status, since my breakup. All were seen as lessons. With the exception of one, none of them grabbed my true interest after our first meeting/hangout. I don’t regret having met any of them. With the failure of each one, I’ve become a stronger woman emotionally. I’ve learned that it’s ok for me to have high standards. It’s ok for me to oust a guy over one trait that I cannot personally accept in a significant other. It’s ok for me to be a picky ass.

Here are some important lessons I’ve learned since my breakup:

1. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are too picky.

2. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

3. Don’t ever get your hopes up when someone tries to convince you that you’ll find someone when you least expect it.

4. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you should let the guy chase you.

You want to know why? Well, here you go.

1. Embrace being a picky mofo. It shows you know exactly what you want and you aren’t going to settle. This demonstrates strength and power in a woman. If it intimidates a guy, he’s not the one.

2. This overrated statement pisses me off to my core. You most certainly do NOT have to love yourself 100 percent before you can let someone else into your life and love them to a degree worthy of a healthy relationship. I am someone who thrives off of being in a relationship. I love being someone’s significant other. I love being completed by someone else and I love completing that someone. This does not make me weak. It does not make me any less of a woman. It does not define me. Get over this absurd statement once and for all.

3. Following a major breakup, this is all you will hear. Along with the cliché, “You deserve better,” and “You are such a catch, you’ll find the perfect guy.” Enough. These are not comforting statements. They do not give us any more hope than achieving a match at the reveal of the first power ball. They are just plain cliché and deserve to be retired, forever.

4. I have NEVER believed in sitting back and waiting to be pursued by the guy. Up until my last relationship, I was the one initiating things. Yes, me. I can be quite ballsy when it comes to seeing something that I want and going after it. Don’t underestimate this seemingly shy woman. What I’ve come to learn is that quite a few guys are flattered by a woman who shows interest by taking the initiative to start up a convo with them. Girls, turn on your flirt and make the first move.

With all of that said, let me change my attitude to something more positive by listing all of the wonderful things that have affected my life for the better in the past year:

My besty got engaged. I’ll be one of her bridesmaids for her May wedding. Ecstatic doesn’t describe my feelings in the least.

This same friend has also recently moved from Canada to the states, permanently

Another one of my friends became pregnant. She is expecting her baby girl in May. I will be Aunt Jordan to yet another youngster.

May is going to be a huge month.
My boo (best friend since fourth grade) moved into a home with her boyfriend.

I have become super close with a friend (my PIC) that I only met in February of last year. She is like family now and having her in my life means a lot to me.

I’ve successfully managed to move out of my ex’s, move into my parents’ and then move into my own apartment. I’ve been surviving solo for four months now and I can’t get enough of it.

My bro has applied for graduation from UWF. My BABY bro. WTF, Mother Time? WTF.

I survived a complete year at a career. Never in my life had I lasted a year at a job. I’ve always quit before the year mark due to disinterest. Until now.

I can’t completely divulge what my future plans are just yet, but what I can say is that I am making some major changes. They are already underway and it will be a process over the next few years, but I have nothing but MY future in mind and these changes have already began to alter my perception of life and I cannot wait to see where I will be in just a few months.

Cheers to the next year in my book of life!

"What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?" - Erin Hanson

- LJ

Broken Down

I’m writing this post with a sad heart. Not a broken one, but a sad one.

I take that back—a mad one.

I think I’m done being sad about how “men” treat me. Yes, I refer to them in quotations only because that is their technical term due to the fact that the ones I am specially referring to are over 18. When in reality, they are really just boys.

I’m upset with myself for not fighting vulnerability and instead giving in, and ultimately, being hurt emotionally.

After a second, lost-cause guy came and went from my life, I had convinced myself that I would do me from here on out. Focus on my career like I’ve always wanted to. Get back to writing my book. Experience more travels and activities solo. Learn to love being independent.

Just as I was really accepting that mindset, someone had to come swoop in. Like a foolish girl, I let him. And here I am, once again, swearing off the idea of a significant other for all eternity.

Instead of trying to pick up the pieces and start over, I have decided to let myself be upset about the situation for as long as I need to. Instead of running from my feelings of dislike, disgust, sadness and confusion, I am going to face them head on. I am going to remember how bad this feels to fall into yet another trap by the opposite sex. I will be a stronger woman because of it in the end. But, it will be a trying time.

The thing that scares me is, ‘when is the end?’ When will this heartache, heartbreak, immature “men” BS be extinct from my life? I know there is a reason I am experiencing all of this now. I’ve just got to keep on keeping on until I figure it out. And you can bet your ass that I won’t be played by another one.

That vulnerable girl is gone.

- LJ

Shake It Off

During at least one point in our lives, we will be treated like an object by someone who we thought we could trust. Unfortunately for some of us, we will experience this more than once. And that's ok. It makes us stronger in every way. I recently experienced this for the second time in a year, and here is what I have to say about it:

THANK YOU to the guys who hurt me. Thank you for teaching me what I don't want in a man. Thank you for showing me what it's like to be treated like I'm worthless. Thank you for providing me with characteristic ideas for antagonists that I could feature in my future books. Thank you for proving that somewhat good looks do not, and never will, make up for loser personalities. Thank you for coming and going in my life.

There is no excuse for defending someone who is too blind to see your self worth. Drop them, and let them come to the harsh realization one day that you are special and they never deserved your company in the first place. The person who will treat you with respect will walk into your life when you least expect them to. Surprises are wonderful.

Cheers to living life for me and no one else!

- LJ