Broken Down

I’m writing this post with a sad heart. Not a broken one, but a sad one.

I take that back—a mad one.

I think I’m done being sad about how “men” treat me. Yes, I refer to them in quotations only because that is their technical term due to the fact that the ones I am specially referring to are over 18. When in reality, they are really just boys.

I’m upset with myself for not fighting vulnerability and instead giving in, and ultimately, being hurt emotionally.

After a second, lost-cause guy came and went from my life, I had convinced myself that I would do me from here on out. Focus on my career like I’ve always wanted to. Get back to writing my book. Experience more travels and activities solo. Learn to love being independent.

Just as I was really accepting that mindset, someone had to come swoop in. Like a foolish girl, I let him. And here I am, once again, swearing off the idea of a significant other for all eternity.

Instead of trying to pick up the pieces and start over, I have decided to let myself be upset about the situation for as long as I need to. Instead of running from my feelings of dislike, disgust, sadness and confusion, I am going to face them head on. I am going to remember how bad this feels to fall into yet another trap by the opposite sex. I will be a stronger woman because of it in the end. But, it will be a trying time.

The thing that scares me is, ‘when is the end?’ When will this heartache, heartbreak, immature “men” BS be extinct from my life? I know there is a reason I am experiencing all of this now. I’ve just got to keep on keeping on until I figure it out. And you can bet your ass that I won’t be played by another one.

That vulnerable girl is gone.

- LJ

Shake It Off

During at least one point in our lives, we will be treated like an object by someone who we thought we could trust. Unfortunately for some of us, we will experience this more than once. And that's ok. It makes us stronger in every way. I recently experienced this for the second time in a year, and here is what I have to say about it:

THANK YOU to the guys who hurt me. Thank you for teaching me what I don't want in a man. Thank you for showing me what it's like to be treated like I'm worthless. Thank you for providing me with characteristic ideas for antagonists that I could feature in my future books. Thank you for proving that somewhat good looks do not, and never will, make up for loser personalities. Thank you for coming and going in my life.

There is no excuse for defending someone who is too blind to see your self worth. Drop them, and let them come to the harsh realization one day that you are special and they never deserved your company in the first place. The person who will treat you with respect will walk into your life when you least expect them to. Surprises are wonderful.

Cheers to living life for me and no one else!

- LJ

Buttercup

The following quote is so powerful and so important in my life right now that I feel it deserves its own blog post:

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."

LJ

You learn a lot about yourself when you live alone.

This past week of living in my new place has been a whirlwind of emotions. Freedom. Happiness. Independence. Stress. Anxiety.

It doesn't help that this week at work has been my most busy/stressful yet. And on top of everything, I proudly survived that two-week cold without seeing a doctor, and now guess what? Sinus infection. Im on antibiotics and other fun stuff for a couple of weeks. Joy.

Timing has been perfectly awful this past week, but I'm determined to get through it as a stronger person, even if my left eye continues to twitch until next year. (Speaking of next year, I cannot believe it's already mid-November!)

Here a some interesting things I've learned about myself since last Friday:

- I can go all weekend without signing into my social media accounts... and absolutely love and enjoy the liberating feeling of not seeing/reading everyone's business. Hence, why I have now dubbed my weekends social media free.

- I scream when I am forced to kill an unwelcomed insect lurking in my apartment... even when it's 5:30 a.m. Sorry neighbors.

- I spoil my cat with cuddles and food. My dad and I have a bet going. He thinks Avery's going to gain weight living with me, but I know I can keep her healthy. If fur baby wants food, fur baby gets food. Sorry dad.

- I would do very well living in a city-based apartment. Having a balcony that overlooks a busy back road is what some would consider noisy. I love it. I can't stand silence. The sound of passing cars is soothing to me, especially at night. And it's fun to watch traffic pile up outside my window and be glad that it's not me in one of those cars. Suckas.

-  I won't be cooking much. It's different when you move into a place with someone as opposed to on your own. I don't feel obligated to prepare meals for just me. I love to cook, but I'll save lots of time not doing so lol. #lazyandproudofit

- I'm a brunette-I swear. My thermostat is idiot proof and it took me until today to figure out that there aren't just three buttons on the panel... there's a flap that when flipped up reveals many more buttons and switches. One of which, saved my life tonight when I turned it to heat. Winter arrived early today.

- I am 10 times more terrified of turning the heater on for the first time of the year when I'm A) In my new apartment and it smells like fire and B) Alone. I'm a big baby, I know.

- I am both a morning and afternoon workout person. I've been waking up early before work to go to the apartment gym for about 45 minutes. I'm loving the morning motivation that it's giving me. Except when I see the same guy in there every day and he's clearly burning 1,000,000 calories an hour as he maxes out on the elliptical.

- I lose important things when I move. My Starbucks card. Gone. Saddest week ever. But seriously, how does that happen!?

- I'm effing giving in and getting an iPhone like everyone else on this planet. My phone decided to have an attitude Wednesday, forcing me to bring it to the cell store and in the process decide it's time to put an end to this Nokia bs. I'm not an iPhone fan either, but at least my phone would be compatible with the rest of the world's for the first time in months. I. Hate. Cell. Phone. Issues. #storyofmylife

And most importantly...
- I made the best decision for ME by choosing to live on my own. Here's to an awesome road ahead!

"Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that." - Nicholas Sparks

- LJ

Wayne

I'm currently sitting on my living room carpet, awaiting the start of The Walking Dead. No couch = rough livin'. Just kidding, I'm loving it!

Everything is unpacked and organized. My amazing PIC came over today and put together my bar stools and tv stand because I'm special when it comes to that kindof stuff.

Avery didn't let me sleep for more than a couple hours consecutively last night. It wasn't that she was scared. She was busy exploring the place and knocking shit over and breaking it. But, other than that, she's enjoying the new digs.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

- LJ

Jeezy

This will be one of my shortest posts yet, as I am typing it via my cell phone (on my balcony!). WiFi is splotchy at the moment. I'm in my own place. The stress is quickly dissipating now that everything is in my apartment and just needs to be organized. (BEST part!) Beer is helping, too! My place is absolutely amazing. I feel like I'm living in a dream. Avery, on the other hand, is unsure at the moment and it doesn't help that I left her food at my parents'... I'll get it tomorrow... If she lets me sleep tonight.

This is one of the bravest decisions I've ever made. No more being scared. No more nervousness. I'm loving this new lifestyle!

"You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you've got and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on."

- LJ

Selena

Not much to say today and doubt I'll have time to blog tomorrow, so let's do this!

The new song by my birthday twin, Selena Gomez, "The Heart Wants What It Wants" is so on point. (The music video is quite sad though... I'm drawn to the depressing ones lately... what is up with that!?) Story of my life. I'd get into detail, but it's mentally exhausting at the moment and I know with time it'll get better. Time doesn't heal everything, but it does help.

I did not see "lady on the steps" today. I'm saddened because I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever see her again. However, this morning when I drove past her steps there was something random there. A shoe. A black loafer. Not a pair. Just one. I can't even come up with a logical story for it. I'll let your imagination do the thinking. My brain hurts.

Of course, it's Thursday. Tumbling day. My favorite. At the beginning of my second class, one of the moms came up to me to show me a YouTube video of a girl doing a "spider acro trick." She said her daughter's dance teacher wants her to work on it in my class. Only thing is, I've never even attempted this skill before because it's a dance skill, not a tumbling/gymnastics one. I watched the video. I'd seen the trick done before on TV. Never in person. It looks like only contortionists should be able to do this skill. YouTube it and you'll know what I'm talking about. It's insane. Major back flexibility is needed. Well, after studying the video, I had the girl attempt the skill (she's my most advanced tumbler, so I had faith in her. She even threw her round off backhandspring connection today with me spotting her—it was her first time! Always feels so good when your students get new skills.) She didn't do bad at all on the spider acro. However, she wasn't doing it correctly. Me, being a poor example once again for my students and not so much as doing a bridge hold to stretch out my back, decided to try this foreign skill myself. What happened? I did it on my FIRST attempt. Yeah, that's right! So did not see that one coming. Surprised myself and my girls. I did it a couple more times with all eyes on me and then proceeded to get a massive ass cramp that took a good two minutes to partially stretch out to the point of being able to walk. I told my girls that's what happens when you get old... and don't stretch, of course. Now, they have that to look forward to!

"Don't choose the better guy. Choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl." - Chelsea Handler

- LJ

Avery

I've got my caramel iced coffee in hand and I'm ready to go!

Avery has been so needy this past week. More than usual, at least. It used to be that she would only come out at night to get attention from me, but now, it's like as soon as I walk in the door from work... OMG I almost just lost my computer to the floor. Avery was scaling the bed next to me and slipped, so I went to catch her at the (almost) expense of my laptop. Isn't stuff like that funny? She's a cat. She would've landed on her feet just fine if I would've let her fall, but my instinct was to save her and screw the laptop. Backwards reflexes lol. As I was saying, I don't know what clicked inside of her, but she can't get enough attention from me lately. I love it. But, I guarantee that she will be an obnoxious nightmare when we move. When I moved her into my last place, she meowed every night (more like moaned like she was dying a slow death) for about three weeks. It was beyond annoying, and made me want to practice abstinence for the rest of life. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen with this move.

The whole time change thing is messing with me. I love waking up to sunshine, but when it's pitch black outside by 5:30 p.m.? Not a fan. AND it was kind of warm outside today. NO. Fall needs to stop teasing and just do its thing.

Had to get a refill on the coffee. I'm downing it like it's PBR. Speaking of coffee, caramel brulee is back at Starbucks! Had to trade pumpkin spice for it today. Totally worth it. Love me some caramel.

As I said in a previous post, I've been having to call everyone and their mom to set services up and such for my apartment. It's life. I get it. I 'm enjoying doing all of these adult things and not having my dad do them. But, let me share why I've had my dad do them in the past...

Today, was the third day in a row that I've called this particular human being (won't even give a gender here) to set up a service. They were initially polite. Then, on my second call, the rudeness kicked in. I kept my composure as I ALWAYS have. I do not recall ever being ugly to any customer service rep for any reason even if they were ugly to me. I don't believe in it. In fact, when I'm done speaking with one of the rude ones, I think to myself "It must suck to hate your job." And I usually thank the polite ones for being so nice. It goes a long way, I'm sure.

There are always exceptions. Like this particular rep that I called THREE days in a row when THEY were supposed to be the one getting back to me. They were busy the first day and said they'd run my credit score and get back to me. Never heard from them. So, I called them the next day, they were driving and couldn't talk. Are you effing kidding me? Fine, asshole. I called AGAIN this morning and it was like a flip switched inside me. No more Ms. Nice Jordan. I was beyond livid at this point. What surprised me even more was the fact that they were STILL rude back. I did get what I wanted out of it though, so my attitude worked. It also felt great to assertively stand up for myself in a situation. I told my dad last night I was probably going to have him call this person because it's what I've had to do in the past to get people to take me seriously. I don't appreciate it one bit. (Luckily, he didn't have to call.) I guess my tone isn't intimidating enough? It makes me want to buy one of those voice changing devices and mess with the next jerk I have to deal with on the phone. That would actually be really fun...

My song of the day is "Under And Over It" by Five Finger Death Punch. Yes, I'm obsessed with the band. Still wish I could relive that concert night. "Wrong Side of Heaven" is another great song of theirs. It's actually top of the charts right now. These guys really appreciate our military. They gave multiple shout outs to those currently serving and those retired at the concert. So awesome, and so proud of my parents for their 20 years each of service. "Wrong Side of Heaven" is about veterans and... I'll let you see the rest for yourself. Very moving. Give the music video a watch.

"You aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy." - Garth Brooks

- LJ

Del

This day marks exactly four months since my ex and I broke up, meaning four months that I've lived back at home with the rents. It feels like it's been much longer than that. Not because it's been awful living with my parents or anything. Challenging, yes, but not awful. I am so thankful I had them to take me in the day of the break up. I don't know why it feels like it's been longer. I guess that's a good thing? I feel like I've been free for longer. Free in more ways than one, that is for damn sure.

I have lots to share today. Nothing too exciting though, so don't get your hopes up or anything.

I bought some pomegranates for the first time EVER over the weekend. I grabbed one out of the fridge (are they supposed to go in there?) today and stared at it. I wanted to figure out the proper way of eating this strange fruit all on my own. Stubborn to the max. So, what did I do? I cut into it like it was an apple. Wrong. So wrong. I then sat at the table staring at the fruit's insides like I was about to eat a puzzle. How in the hell do I eat this? I thought to myself. I picked at it. Ate a couple seeds. Gross. Then, I did what I should have done in the first place—I Googled "How to eat a pomegranate" like a dumbass. Well, Google sucks and every link I clicked on for the "how to" either presented me with a long article on how to eat it, juice it, and so on, or popped up in picture format and also took too long to get to the point. Screw Google. Hello, Youtube. Did Youtube disappoint? To be honest, I only watched one video. It wasn't that it didn't tell me how to eat a pomegranate—it totally did. However, instead of eating it like a normal person, this guy took the fruit, squished it up in his hands, bit into it and sucked the juice from it. At this point, I said ef it and threw the little pain in the ass away. Next time I attempt to eat one, I will either request help or think twice about eating one. RIP Pom.

I love writing in my blog each night. It's really exercising my creativeness and makes me excited to get back to writing my book. I'm waiting to dive back into it for when I'm in my own place. With my own thoughts. Clear mind. Anyway, what do a lot of writers associate writing with? If you guessed alcohol, you're wrong. But, fine guess. The correct answer is coffee. Coffee at night time does not exactly soothe me to sleep. It's been keeping me up at night, but if I don't have it on my nightstand when I'm writing to keep the creative juices flowing, then there's a good chance that there would be no blog and I'd rather not find out the hard way since I'm on a roll! I could go decaf, but I have a favorite iced coffee (not decaf, of course) and I'm stubborn as you know from the beginning of this post. Guess I'll just start trying to embrace the late night hours. Hmmm...

And now for the main topic: people who go for a walk outside, but instead of listening to music or the lovely squawking of birds chasing other birds, they talk on their cell phones. Holy pet peeve. I came across two separately walking women doing this today. My mom had just told me Sunday that NWF Daily News columnist, and an avid walker around our neighborhood, Del Stone recently wrote a column on how so many others out running and walking are listening to their iPods instead of nature. My first-ever, newspaper-published pieces were opinion columns. I wrote them weekly for my college paper. (GO KNIGHTS). Not once did I ever write about this topic, but I've read a few columns by others who have. I think it's silly for people to be upset by those who listen to music while out jogging or walking for exercise. Like please, it's how we get pumped and distracts us from focusing on the growing hole in the side of our ribs or the squeezing sensation in our calf that will later wake us up in the middle of the night making us wish we had never gone for a run. (No disrespect to good ole Del though).

Those who talk on their cell phones while out "exercising" are a completely different beast. A beast that needs to stay at home instead. I think it's rude. And it's not like the women I saw today were having important conversations. They were clearly gossiping. Even more rude. I don't want to hear that shit. (I run with one headphone in and one out, so I can listen for cars. Can never be too careful. It only takes one. Unless it's a Smart Car.) I don't even bring my phone with me when I go for a jog. What's the point? I'm getting AWAY from everything. Not inviting it to interrupt me when I'm trying to get in the zone and forget about the day's stressors. Leave your phone at home. It's that simple.

Oh yeah, Are You The One?... oh boy. This group is horrible. They got two matches correct last night and the show is already halfway over. They're doomed. And one of my favorite girls is being corrupted by the man whore of the house, which makes me mad at both of them. Mad at him for obvious reasons—man whores are disgusting creatures. Mad at her, because she should respect herself more and did/said something on the show last night that was beyond disrespectful and embarrassing to herself and her reputation. Sad. Unfortunate. Still have faith in her though.

"Kindness is loving people more than they deserve." - Joseph Joubert

- LJ

Mark

Let me just start by saying moving sucks!

Between dropping money left and right on necessities and furnishings, calling companies to set up my insurance, cable, electric, (blah blah blah), packing and not having any room in the ROOM that I currently live in to store all of my stuff, I am two seconds away from curling up in a ball in the corner and refusing to grow up.

Deep breath.

Ok, I am happy to announce that I ordered my dream couch today from a very patient man named Mark (Which had to be a stretch for him considering his store is in New Jersey. I've been to New Jersey. They ain't nice there). That's been stressful in itself. I wanted to be picky when buying my first couch, so I was. Extremely. Then, I was scrolling through a site I'd never visited before and on the bottom of the first page of sectionals, it was listed there with beams of white light shooting out from every angle. It's perfect. On top of finding "the" couch today, I also finished crocheting the blanket that I plan to drape over it like you see in photos of cozy rooms featured in Southern Living magazine. This will definitely be MY space. I would describe it as classy with a hint of playfulness. I cannot wait to fix it up!

In other (kindof) news...

I went for a nice jog today to try to balance this overwhelmed feeling I'm currently experiencing. It worked. The temperature was a little cold though. I'm a mouth breather thanks to basing in cheerleading in 11th grade and having a flying foot break my nose and pop my septum out of place. Two surgeries couldn't fix it. I'm a hot mess for life. Luckily, I still have a keen sense of smell and get to breathe in one of my favorite scents while jogging—clean laundry! I LOVE smelling someone's fresh laundry scent wafting in the air as I pass by their house. It's ridiculously calming and so much better than the smell of sewer sprinklers or dog shit in a nearby yard. Those are not good.

I have yet to see "lady on the steps," but she's due for an appearance any day now, so I have confidence that I will get to meet her before I move!

"It is OK for me to have everything I want."

- LJ

Sam

Instead of listening to my new T-Swift CD, I am listening to the Heavenly voice of Sam Smith. In all seriousness, take some time to listen to his songs. It will make you change your outlook on music. I'm loving the melody of "I'm Not the Only One." The music video is so sad though, so maybe steer clear of it.

I can't believe how cold it is today! Woke up freezing, so we turned on the heater for the first time this season. I always look forward to this day. I remember when I was younger and old enough to understand what was going on, my dad turned on the heater, but didn't tell us and I thought the house was on fire haha. It smells like it! I am NO fan of fire, so I was flipping out lol. 

The good thing about this weather is getting to wear layers, and boots, and sweaters, and SCARVES! I love love love scarves. I'm also a fan of thick, fuzzy, crazy socks for keeping my feet warm at night. Ahhhh, I just love the changing of the seasons.

So, November is a big month. It's the month of Avery's birthday, Jewel's birthday, Thanksgiving, and, this one is huge for me, it marks one year that I've been at my job! I've been out of college for just shy of three years now (GO KNIGHTS), so finally having stayed at a job for a year is a big deal for me. Next month is Christmas and my mom's birthday. SO much to be happy about and thankful for.

The next episode of The Walking Dead comes on tonight. Super excited to see what is up with Beth! Tomorrow is the next episode of Are You The One? and that will be beyond inappropriate I am sure. You can look forward to that recap.

Not too much else to report on. This week will be insane, followed by an even more insane weekend, so I hope to not neglect my blog, but it's a possibility with my schedule. I can't believe that I've written a post almost every day for almost two weeks now. That is a record!

I just remembered something I wanted to share. Every morning, I make sure I grab the newspaper and bring it to the table with me for breakfast reading. However, I'm a bad ex-reporter. I rarely read any articles. Instead, I jump to the "Puzzles" page. This page entails the Sudoku (which I love), Word Scrimmage (which I suck at), the Crossword (which I suck at even more), Dear Abby (who is crazy, but interesting to read), and the Horoscopes. It's funny (well, not really) because when I was a newspaper reporter, I would always get upset when I tried to bring something up in conversation with others and they were like "Oh, I don't read the paper." Like, do you know what's going on in your community or in the world? Do you not care? What the hell?

Well, I stopped really reading the paper a few months after I quit working for it. I no longer hold grudges against those others who do not read it. 

Anyway, sorry for veering. Every morning I read my Horoscope. Before you judge my ritual, hear me out. I have been reading it for a while. Over a year. But recently, I've decided to change the way I perceive my sign's message. Instead of taking the message too seriously or negatively in any way, I simply view it as a positive lesson that I can teach myself that day. Trust me, sometimes I feel like Dear Abby's Jeanne Phillips wrote my daily horoscope—it can be so judgmental and mean. But, I've learned to flip that and see it in my own optimistic light.

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts." - Marcus Aurelius

- LJ

Raul

It's really hitting me hard today that I "leave the nest" in just six days. This is my last weekend living at home... WHAT! I should pack my stuff up this weekend, but we all know how that goes. I'll probably be packing the night before like the fine procrastinator that I am.

I am so ready for this next step in life, but I'm starting to get a little nervous about it. I've moved out of my parents' house before, but this time it's different. (I just sung those last words in my head while I typed them... anyone know the band?) I'm not moving WITH someone. I'm doing this solo. It's scary. And in just a couple years I'll be moving out of state! Woah. That's gonna be huge. I can't even think about that one right now.

What I'm really excited about is the fact that I can be selfish with this step in my life because I am taking it alone. I look forward to that. I in no way regret moving out the first time with my boyfriend at the time. It was a learning experience. Honestly though, with his job he worked 48-hour shifts and I would be home alone a lot anyways, so maybe I shouldn't be as scared as I am. I sort of know what it's like to live alone. It's definitely peaceful. (Until you're all by yourself and someone knocks on the door at 9:30 p.m. because their cat jumped the fence into your backyard and won't jump back over, but in that moment that you are walking up to the door SLOWLY to look through the peep hole you think there's a killer on the other side.)

Change is good. It's how we grow as individuals and, most importantly for me right now, it's how we "find ourselves." I've never truly understood what that phrase meant until now. I know what I want for my future and it's all I'm focusing on, which is causing me to not live in the present. I'm not enjoying the moment. I plan to work on it and will share the process. I have high hopes!

As promised:

Lt. Dangle and me. My favorite costumed person of the night!

The bro with Zoolander characters.

Rufio taught me how to use my sais in a fight. 

The raddest TMNT group ever!

Michelangelo and "Raul" (That's what a Chipotle worker thought my turtle's name was haha).

"To get nowhere, follow the crowd."

- LJ

The Sweet Surprise

Life just needs to SLOW down right now. So much happening, but all great things, so I can't complain too much!

I'm gonna jump right into the good stuff.

During tonight's tumbling class I didn't even wait for one of my girls to ask if I could show them an aerial. I simply asked the moment they walked in to class if they'd like to see it. Remember, last week they wanted me to throw one, but I was sick as hell, had a hurt knee and hadn't warmed up beforehand? Today, I was prepared. I tried practicing my aerial yesterday at home, but after a lizard scared the shit out of me where I had set up in the grass to throw the skill, I got sidetracked and never successfully threw it. I was definitely worried walking into work today that I would let down my girls and have to tell them that I wouldn't be able to show them the skill, yet again.

I didn't even stretch (tisk tisk, I know). I lined up on the mat, did a warm up cartwheel, then, did an aerial. No problem. Then, I did it again. I swear, I give myself zero credit for my gymnastic abilities.

I did my aerial for the girls and they freaked out. So much so that one of them came running up to me and jumped on me and gave me a big hug. So did NOT see that one coming. I thought to myself, Really? For a measly aerial? Haha. It was adorable though. Kids.

At the end of class, I gave them all some candy since tomorrow is Halloween. They all thanked me and were so happy to receive candy. It was almost weird lol. I guess they're just grateful kiddos. Anyway, I asked them all, "So what are you gonna say tomorrow night when you go door to door in your costumes?" One girl screamed "Thank you!" and another "Trick-or-Treat!" I laughed and said, "Exactly, you say Trick-or-Treat, and then you say thank you." Such polite little ones. They really were so well behaved today and had such a great class. I'm a proud teacher right now.

I'm going to keep my thoughts short tonight because I still have to paint my nails for Halloween tomorrow! I'm going out with my favorite crew and we are dressing as the ninja turtles. I am SO excited, it's probably a bit ridiculous just how excited I am. Our plan is to take photos with all other turtles bar hopping tomorrow night. Should be a blast!

In other news, I'm currently watching hockey on TV. Hockey! Go Lightning!

P.S. Lady on the steps was not there this morning. Crossing my fingers for tomorrow morning.

"You get what you work for, not what you wish for."

- LJ

The Less Fortunate

A couple weeks ago, my brother told me something nice he did for a homeless man while he was out riding around downtown on his motorcycle. He was stopped at a red light where each day there are a couple of homeless men standing on the corner of a high-traffic intersection. This one man in particular stood on the sidewalk, staring at the line of cars with his "God Bless" sign in hand. First in line, my brother fished for a few dollars out of his pocket and handed it to the man. He was, of course, overly grateful. What my brother did next makes me all fuzzy inside.

He asked the man if he liked rock music. The man said yes. My brother blasted one of the local radio rock stations for the next minute or so that he was "parked" near the homeless man. The man nodded in approval and the two shared a special moment. They weren't a student and a homeless man—they were two men who appreciated the same music.

Which brings me to "the lady on the steps." There is this woman that, if I am lucky, I get to drive past her a couple times a week on my way to work. I take the back roads when I leave my house and drive through some unsightly neighborhoods. "The lady on the steps" lives in a house on the outskirts of these backroads. I started seeing her on my morning commute a couple months ago. She sits on these concrete steps, randomly placed at the end of her front yard near the street. She just sits there. I don't know if she's waiting for a bus, or a friend to pick her up and drive her somewhere, or if she just likes to sit outside on cool mornings and take in the fresh air.

I find her completely interesting. And yet I've never spoken to her or interacted with her.

Her house is extremely small. Probably the size of a two-car garage and kitchen combined, if that. It's white and has a screen door. But, not clean white. Stained. The yard looks as if it's never been properly taken care of. There are no cars in the driveway or on the lawn. In fact, now that I think about it, a driveway may not even exist on that property. The woman's appearance almost mimics that of her house. She looks worn. Her clothes are always a bit ragged. She wears a bandana on her head. She looks to be in her sixties. Her face is stoic, but speaks so loudly.

On the mornings that I see her I smile. I look forward to seeing her. No, not because I'm a twisted person and I like seeing others struggle. Because I have a feeling deep down inside that she is a caring woman with a difficult past that shaped her present, but she's trying her best to make the most of it. Next week, I'm going to either bake something myself (which is beyond dangerous, so maybe I'll rethink that one) or go buy some fresh-baked muffins or pastries or something breakfast related to stop off and give to her. Maybe some flowers, too. How could flowers not brighten someone's day, right? It just hit me that her house is right by a supermarket, so next time I see her I will speed on over there and pick the stuff up and bring it to her. Perfect. I'll be sure to give an update on how this goes in a future post.

"There is always always always something to be thankful for." 

- LJ

The "Perfect" Match

I'm jammin' out to "1989," so if there are any errors in this post or any random lyrics of T-Swift's interwoven into my written thoughts, you know why.

I'm not sure how many people watch the reality show "Are You The One?," but I ...

(And now my cat just jumped in my lap, so my typing speed is cut in half.)

... watched last night's episode. In short, it's a show where 10 men and 10 women are brought together because a group of crazy "experts" came up with tests for them to take that prove they are each others' "perfect match." No one on the show knows who their perfect match is, so the point of the show is for them to figure it out by hooking up with each other and occasionally holding meaningful conversation to get to know one another. If by the end of 10 guesses at trying to land 10 perfect matches (10 couples), they all walk away splitting one million dollars. Seems rigged, but I watched the first season last year and they all figured it out and it was a pretty interesting show, so much so that I tuned in for the second season (the current one). I only spent the time explaining the show because I will more than likely refer to it in future posts, and now you know what I'll be talking about.

Anyway, last night's episode made me laugh for a couple of reasons.

ONE
There is this one couple, Paris and Pratt. At the beginning of this episode they are so sure they are a perfect match. Then, the house has a drunken, lingerie party and Paris throws her thong-wielding self at Pratt's buddy, Jon, and makes out with him... more than once. Pratt was off being an upset pansy about it. A minute after she's had enough with continuing to throw herself at Jon, she goes back to Pratt to apologize. He doesn't want to hear it and tells her that she's not his perfect match. She cries and plays the victim card. The next day they go on the flyboarding date that they won in the most recent game challenge. They somewhat make up, but Pratt is still mad at Paris (totally on his side on this one). Well, they got sent to the "Truth Booth" to find out if they are a match, and guess what? Ding ding ding. They were.

But, she JUST made out with his friend the night before and if his friend wouldn't have made her stop, then I'm sure it would have gone further than that. If they were a true "perfect match" she never would've strayed. If I were him, I'd run. Fast.

TWO
This was the fourth episode of the season (I believe), so they should be getting around half of their match ups correct. Well, when it was time for them to pair up with who they think their matches are, since they already knew Paris and Pratt were a match, they knew they had at least one correct. Well, to everyone's surprise (including mine) there were NO other correct matches. I laughed at first because a couple of the guys got all teary eyed over the fact that the girl they thought was "the one" really wasn't. I'm sorry, I can't take a guy seriously if he cries over something like that. Balls. Grow them. Then, I sat there in silence, wondering if the show was screwing with everyone. They weren't. Last show, they had three matches. There is no telling how crazy the next episode is going to be, but I am looking forward to it!

On a side note, but also on the topic of finding the one I suppose (haha), today, I forewarned my parents that if I all of a sudden move to Vegas it's because I was proposed to by Jeremy Spencer of Five Finger Death Punch. Holy shit he's a hunk. I've been following him on Instagram since we saw them in concert a couple weeks ago. Drummer. Check. Tatted up. Check. Piercings. Check. Sexy bod. Double check. Goofball. Check. Single. Check. No kids. Check. I don't even care that he's 41. I'm thinking older men are the way for me to go. I would totally pick up my life and move for him haha. (Michelle, don't kill me ;) )

On an even bigger side note: My parents just came in from outside. I'm sitting on the couch and I asked my dad if my dog was under the reclined seat that I'm in because I could smell her dog self. He answered:

"How can you smell? You sound like a cartoon character."

My brother gave me the same shit over the weekend. "How can you smell when you are sick?"

I can smell perfectly fine, people! I still have a nose. Just because I'm stuffed up and sound weird doesn't mean I lost my sense of smell. Got it?

That's enough randomness for one day.

Here are some more awesome T-Swift lyrics. These are from "Blank Space":

"Saw you there and I thought
Oh my God, look at that face
You look like my next mistake
Love's a game, want to play?"

- LJ

The Right Words

You pretty much know when the words "Well, when I'm president... " are spoken during a conversation about careless motorists that nothing nice is to follow. This conversation occurred last night while I sat outside continuing to glue my giant collection of beer bottle caps into a creative design on a canvas. My dad came outside to smoke a cigarette and moments later, my uncle joined us.

Whether I was ready or not, the two were about to have a brotherly discussion on what started out on the topic of Black Friday shopping and soon morphed its way into a back-and-forth on poor drivers. I just kept to myself (which is SO not like me, but I wasn't feeling up to joining in on the conversation). I quietly listened as I created more of my future living room art piece.

One of my dad's biggest pet peeves while behind the wheel is being in the presence of those who don't use the left and right lanes like "the law says they should." Left is for faster moving traffic/passing and right is for slow traffic. He will also tell you many other rules of the road until your ears bleed and you want to cry your eyes out. You just have to patiently nod your head in agreement and hope someone new walks through the door and saves you haha. Nah, he's not that bad all the time...

"Well, when I'm president... anyone with a handicap sign in their car won't be allowed to touch the left lane."

That was when I laughed. (Felt a little bad about it). And started packing up my project. As you can imagine, it escalated from there. Again, I say it—men...

That's all I'm sharing from that story. (You're welcome).

***

Today was a fantastic day for many reasons:

I woke up not feeling like complete crap and did a little dance around my room in celebration.

It was the first time in years that I filled up my gas tank with 89 octane (about 15-20 miles from empty) and the total was below $50. HELL YES!

I learned that (on a Mac) Photo Booth doubles as a mirror, so when you are constantly blowing your nose and messing up your make up, instead of making numerous trips to the bathroom, you can just look at your computer. Genius, I know.

Anndddddddd

Taylor Swift's new album "1989" came out today, and I'm so in love <3!!! Such an emotional, poetic compilation of love, lust, break ups and other T-Swift life experiences that every girl can relate to and totally appreciate.

These lines from her song "Clean" stood out most to me.

"Rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe."

- LJ

The Next Step

Warning: This post is quite a bit more sappy than my others. Not sure if it's the congestion or what, but I'm feeling like a sap-fest today, so prepare yourself or don't continue reading. (That sounded mean! Not trying to be, of course).

At the moment, I sound like a man, look like I haven't slept in days, and wish I had the power to make a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup appear in front of me. Mmm. On the bright side, I should have a six pack by mid-week if I continue to cough my brains out like I have been every day.

I went to bed fairly early last night, but woke up around 2:30 a.m. with a pounding head. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I did what any normal person would do—shopped online!

No, I wasn't buying a new pair of boots that I don't need. I was being a grown up and searching for items for my new apartment. I guess you could say I'm pretty excited and beyond ready for this next step in my life.

You see, where I am today wouldn't be possible if it wasn't for a choice made by someone else. A bad choice. But, one that altered my life's outcome for the absolute best.

This does, however, make me realize that if this other person had never done what they did, then where would I be today? How would I feel about myself? How different would my life be?

Initially, this realization made me a little disappointed in myself for not being the strong-minded individual that I am. I didn't make the choice that changed my life for the better, THEY did. I allowed myself to be upset (with myself). Tough love can most definitely be a solo thing. Most of us have all been there, and if you haven't then you are probably more proud of yourself than you should be. Just saying.

I'm not completely past it all, but I am better and no longer bitter about it. I'm making the most of a bad situation like we are taught as children. It's so corny of a saying, but you really do live and learn. Here are some of my favorite examples from experience:

Live: Trip and fall in public.

Learn: Laugh it off. (This happens to me about once a week... I thought 11 years of competitive gymnastics was supposed to supply you with life-long grace?)

Live: Move in with your parents.

Learn: Twenty-five year olds should never live with their parents. (Never).

Live: Sing and dance in public while under the influence of alcohol.

Learn: There are perverted homeless men watching.

Live: Be kind to FedEx and UPS delivery men.

Learn: They'll be kind back... and will proceed to talk your ear off about how they just bought a house on 11 acres of land for cheap and took seven weeks off from work to remodel it. Or on the flip side, one will tell you about how he was recently held at gun point. (I've got to stop looking so intrigued when they start up conversations with me... )

Live: Give a child positive feedback.

Learn: They will continue to strive for more of it, and WILL make you regret not giving it to them when it's much deserved. They are the masters of mind games.

Live: Face your fear of guns by going shooting.

Learn: You have horrible aim, so what's the point? Might as well resort back to plan A: kicking and running.

Live: Say hello to every walker, runner and bicyclist that passes by while you're out for a run.

Learn: You will get biffed in the nose by a dog named Elle Mae that was just trying to give you a puppy kiss.

Live: Plan your life out with "the one."

Learn: You've not yet met that person.

From every lesson I've been faced with, the most self-appreciating thing I've learned is that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.

- LJ

The Matching Siblings

It's these kinds of happenings that define my family.

The bro and I just got back from SAMs because he wanted to get a pumpkin to bake the seeds like he (or I should say my dad) does every year. I don't think the boy even knows how to turn on the oven. I'll get to that in another post. Anyways, we get back in the car from SAMs and when I was putting on my seatbelt I noticed I had black, gun residue all over the bottom of my WHITE shirt.

"OMG where the hell did that come from?" I asked, both myself and my bro. "Please tell me that wasn't on me this whole time..."

"I'm sure it was. It's probably from cleaning your gun," he said.

"You've got to be kidding me. How embarrassing," I said, starting to giggle at the situation. (It never fails, I always have some sort of stain on me. It's been a joke since I was in high school. Hence, why I very rarely wear the color white. White is dangerous for Jordan).

"Oh shit, I just remembered I had a pizza stain on these shorts," he said, looking down at his shorts and pointing to the encrusted patch.

We were both laughing our asses off at this point.

"People probably think we are homeless," I said.

"Yeah, we don't do laundry again until December," he added.

So, there you have it. We walked up in SAMs, looking a mess and didn't know it. Got to love it.

- LJ

The Male Influence

Currently sick as I've been all week, I write this post sitting on my parents' comfy patio furniture in the backyard while Avenged Sevenfold's "Hail to the King" plays over the outside speakers. This is a much better atmosphere than being laid up in bed, being forced to watch football because it's the only thing that's on. No thank you.

I don't have much to say since it's been a slow day. I woke up, ate breakfast (well, Starbucks...), got changed and went to the shooting range with my family. Nothing especially exciting happened at the range. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your outlook. The drive to and from the range (being about an hour one way) wasn't fun for anyone as I was trying to hold back coughs and sneezes and my family was trying to hold their breath. Halfway through the trip home, my brother politely asked me to "die already." I can't blame him. I would feel the same way if I were in his shoes.

When we got home my dad, bro and I all cleaned our guns together. While we were cleaning them, I asked my dad and bro if this was what bonding felt like haha. I love my time spent with those two. I'm so glad I was raised in a tomboy fashion. Because of them, I grew up playing video games, listening to rock n'roll, skateboarding, ripsticking, wakeboarding, lizard hunting in the backyard, turtle hunting at Ferry Park, slingshotting rocks at flying creatures in the the sky and on power lines (we were bored sometimes and had to make it interesting... no, we never actually took out any birds... not that I remember, at least), and lots of other not-so-girly hobbies.

They've influenced me to love the outdoors and to do things that challenge me physically and mentally. I am so thankful for everything they've taught me in life.

The male influence is definitely something that has shaped who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have it any other way!

- LJ

The First Year

A year ago today, my best friend Lindsey’s life changed forever when she welcomed her daughter, Brie, into the world.

I still remember all of the details of the night that I received a text from her telling me that she was pregnant. Well, it was more like showing me that she was—three positive pregnancy tests did the job. I was riding in the car with my boyfriend at the time, on our way to comedy night at Howl at the Moon on the island. I got the text right before the traffic signal at The Boardwalk. I don’t think I ever shared this with Lindsey, but I cried when I saw the text. Tears of joy. Tears of fear. Tears of girly hormones.

When your best friend has a baby, your whole world changes, too.

She’s the first of my friends to raise a child, which means everything I’m learning about upbringing is from you, Lindsey, so when I have children and they question my ways of raising them, I’m blurting out your name, and they'll be coming for YOU! But, that won’t be for a few years (if ever), so until then I will be cool Aunt Jordan ;).

Brie is the reason that I can now, somewhat confidently, hold a baby. Although, Lindsey says I'm still awkward at it to which I tell her "good, guys will know for sure that I don't have kids." It sounds totally insane, but I used to have a slight phobia of holding them because they are so tiny and I was always afraid I was going to hurt them. Lindsey pretty much made me get past that the first time I met Brie aka I didn’t have a choice. (Thanks for that, boo!)

Brie was the youngest baby I’ve ever held. She was the first baby I ever fed a bottle to that fell asleep in my arms. (Lindsey had to teach my how to prop my arm up on the couch armrest to prevent fatigue haha. Babies are so light, but DAMN they can make your arms sore fast!) Brie was the first baby I’ve ever put in a car seat. (And she didn’t like that very much…) I could go on with this list of firsts, but my point is to show how much of an impact this little one has had on my life.

HUGE MILESTONE: She started walking this week!

I look forward to the years ahead when she begins to talk. When she attends her first day of school. When she gets her first report card and Aunt Jordan can spoil her for earning good grades. When she needs help with English homework and Aunt Jordan can teach her how to write a kickass paper. When she needs help with math homework and Aunt Jordan can tell her stories of how her and her mom were in math class together in high school and Aunt Jordan is the last person she would want to seek guidance from in that subject area. When she gets her first boyfriend and Aunt Jordan helps her dad intimidate the shit out of the poor boy before he takes her out on a date.

It’s amazing how much can happen in a year. The upcoming years are sure to be a fun learning experience when it comes to this sweet baby!

HAPPY 1^ST BIRTHDAY, BRIE!!!

These were taken the day I met her, when she was just a couple days old.

And these were taken tonight! This is the adorable, baby jacket I got her. OMG I'm in LOVE.

I can’t get enough of her <3. Her first experience with chocolate...

On a super side note, (while I'm writing this in my parents' kitchen, my dad just opened the fridge and asked me (with a serious face) “Why do we have brown eggs?”

I, of course, just laughed my ass off. And explained to him that I bought OGRANIC eggs last week and mom bought some this week. He was so confused as to why someone would make organic eggs. Men….

It is well past my bedtime, so I bid you goodnight. Til next time!

Live your life for YOU and no one else. Seriously, only your happiness matters.

- LJ

The Young Mind

I seriously considered writing this entry while under the influence of NyQuil to make things a little more interesting. But, I have a lot to say and NyQuil would allow me all of 17 minutes before knocking me out until my alarm sounds at 6 a.m. So, NyQuil-less I write.

Before I get to the main subject, let me just note that today was a pretty awesome day. I attended a luncheon in honor of the 30th Anniversary of the City of Destin and, to my surprise, my Destin Log family was there! AND one of my friends set the date for her wedding next year! Exciting day for sure.

OK, here we go.

Thursdays are my favorite work day of the week because not only do I work my full-time day job, I also teach a couple tumbling classes in the evening. My "students" range in age from 6 to 15 and are all a joy to work with. Given, the youngsters have their days when their parents buy them milkshakes before class and I have to tame sugar-loaded first and second graders. All in all, they're great kids. What I enjoy most about working with them is the things they say.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Kids say the darndest things indeed.

When my first class was leaving today, one of the girls asked me if I could dress up in costume for next week's class since Halloween is Friday. I hesitated, then proceeded to tell her that I could think of something to dress up as for fun. She was thrilled by my answer and told me:

"You should dress up as a clown."

To which I replied, "Nope. Ms. Jordan isn't a fan of clowns. I'll figure something else out."

I couldn't elaborate and explain to this seven year old that when I was about her age (if not younger) my dad thought he'd introduce me to the child friendly film "IT." To this day, I cannot look at storm drains in the same way.

Backtrack a little to the middle of that first class. The same girl asked me when they were going to learn aerials. Aerials are cartwheels without hands. I told her that's a skill that they have to work up to and we will get there one day. (Kids are always in such a hurry to learn everything, no matter the skill's level of difficulty. Just slow down and be a kid, OK?). Then, she hit me with the question I knew was coming: "Can YOU do an aerial?"

"Yes, I can," I said.

"Well, can you show us?"

(Trying not to let out a short burst of laughter). "I don't think I should attempt one today. I hurt my knee a couple weeks ago." (I actually really did, and throwing a skill like an aerial would be twice as painful as most other skills because I would land with all of my weight in the leg with my hurt knee. I know it's hard for you non-gymnasts to understand, so just take my word for it. Although, I'm sure I could've winged it, throwing a skill without complete confidence in front of children is never a good idea. Never. Haha).

"Can you just try it?" she persisted.

"No, not today sorry," I said. "I promise I'll work on it over the weekend and show y'all next week. I can do a roundoff backhandspring for you instead?" I'm always one to compromise.

They all looked at me, puzzled. (They had no idea what that was lol). I told them if they behaved for the rest of class, then I would do the pass for them.

The time had come. I told them to sit on the side of the mat and I would throw the roundoff backhandspring. Of course, I've always been one to second guess my gymnastics abilities whenever I throw skills in front of an audience (even though I guarantee you that I can still throw a double full on the spring floor to this day—real gymnasts never lose it!). So, I said what I shouldn't have said and let the kids know that I hadn't warmed up and my form probably wasn't going to be the greatest. To which the same girl said (but didn't think I could hear):

"Oh, that's because she's not very good."

Not gonna lie. It stung a little. And was actually funny to me at the same time because this girl had quite the little personality and wasn't afraid to speak her mind, which I've always condoned to a respectful extent. But, it was definitely an eye opener for me and made me realize that I need to start "showing off," so these kids know exactly what their teacher is capable of. Time for me to stop being modest, I suppose.

Oh, and their disappointment soon turned into wonderment when I threw the roundoff backhandspring and got oo'ed and aw'ed. Nothing like pleasing your crowd!

So, that was my evening.

I wanted to save this next thought for last because it is special to me. While conversing with another person that I saw at the luncheon that I haven't seen in months, we said our initial "Hellos" and "How are yous?" Soon to be followed by the question of how my significant other and I were doing. I'm not going to get into details, but, I of course, told him of our split and that it was for the best. He replied by asking if I belonged to anyone else now. I gave him my usual "Jordan" look and he said, "Ohh, so you belong to the world now?" I said yes, exactly. To which he asked if I would like him to change that and find me someone. Without hesitation I said, "I'm single and working on being independent."

I couldn't have planned a better response for a character in a novel. I perfectly defined my current outlook on life with only milliseconds to conjure it. The less you think about something, the more clear it becomes.

Welp, I'm off to continue to circle the drain and shoot my NyQuil like it's Tequila.

Instead of a question for thought, I'm going to leave you with a brief lesson on grammar.
It's "definitely" NOT "defiantly," people. I just CAN'T.

- LJ

The Rapping Bicyclist

I'm writing this entry from bed. Which is where I have been turning into before the sun is even down for the past couple of days. The dreaded seasonal bug is trying to bring me down, but I am not about to let that happen, people! 

I digress. 

On my way home from work today, I saw a man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. However, he was unlike other bicyclists that you see on the daily. This man was clearly rapping. (Yes, please take a second to make a mental picture of this). I gathered this from his hand gestures and moving mouth that occasionally let up when there was a break in lyrics. 

Not just did his impressive bicycling-while-rapping techniques set him apart from other two-wheeled riders. This man possessed something far more special.

The power of content.

He was the true definition of a multitasker. He was bicycling, rapping, DJ'ing, smiling and making my day a little brighter. For the few seconds that I waited at the stoplight and watched as he rode past, this man's display of contagious happiness and freedom inspired me. He was in his own world. And he didn't give a damn what anyone else thought (and trust me, he had an audience).

So, I ask: Why can't we all be like this man? Why can't we all be in our own world?

- LJ

I'm baaack. Again.

I'm going to attempt yet a different approach to restarting my blog to see if I can keep the flow going. Instead of updating you all on what's happened since I last blogged (that would literally take months because it's actually beens MONTHS) I will try to be more inspirational by keeping you in the current know on my life and being inspirational about it. But, also sometimes sappy and a little sad. A girl's got to keep it real, right?

'Til next time. (Which is hopefully sometime within the next week...) I'm so bad!

- LJ