It clicked. After recently reaching a major fitness goal of mine, I came to the realization that I've always made my opinion of my own appearance by looking through the eyes of others.
What most people don't know is that I was teased while growing up. Teased for being "short." Ok? I didn't care too much about it. I was young and given that my mom is 5'2" and my dad 6'0", I pretty much knew I'd end up some where in between their heights. Then, I got to middle school. Again, the names came pouring out of the mouths of immature junior high school classmates. "Shrimp." "Midget." "Shorty." I honestly liked being called "little" names because it sounded cute. Funny, right? Yeah, until I started getting bullied for it and someone told me to meet them in the library, so they could "beat me up." Hah, wish I could see that person now.
Then, there was high school.
All I can say is the people in high school that I let control the way I view myself shaped me for the rest of my life. Back then, it was a bad thing. Now, I feel powerful and I know that I am a better person for enduring what they put me through.
I walked through the double doors of my high school on my first day of freshmen year at 4'10" and a whopping 87 pounds. Did I think there was anything wrong with me? Heck no. Did others? Of course.
Freshmen year was the worst for me. I dealt with people (not even going to specify gender here) that tried so hard to make me feel bad about myself just to give themselves some little bit of satisfaction. Back then, I didn't understand why they would lie and say the horrible things they did. They were craving attention and could only get it from the "cute" little freshmen girl who no matter how much she ate, didn't gain an ounce. They were jealous. I was naive to have trusted them.
These people really did have a major (negative) impact on me until I started gaining weight. And then, the whispers turned from "she's too skinny" to "she's put on some weight." Can a girl not win? Ever?
Over the last few years, my weight has fluctuated. Instead of gaining the freshmen 15, I gained the "I moved back home after graduating college 25." Too much readily available, free food. But yes, it's all my fault.
About a year and a half ago I decided to do something about it. I've tried a number of workout plans: gym membership, Insanity, home workouts, running, Spin, etc. Little by little the weight has come off. And a lesson has been learned.
I would hate to say that none of what I went through matters now because it most definitely does. It molded the way I look at myself in the mirror for the rest of my life. Before those people I never second guessed what I ate or whether or not I was going to work out that day. But, those people changed everything. So, I want to say thank you to them.
At 24 years of age I finally figured it all out.
Recently, I've lost 24 pounds (and counting). I'm 5'7". I can still flip almost as well as when I was a hardcore gymnast at age 13. I've gained confidence in myself. I'm proud of myself. And I learned something so important in life.
I bet those people cannot honestly say these last three words, but I sure as hell can.
I LOVE MYSELF.
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